Soccer is exploding in popularity......yeah right

Alright already. I can't stand it. I must, I simply must weigh in on the great soccer popularity explosion in America.

Here's the deal. The exploding popularity of soccer in America is an American media-hyped myth. The U.S. media likes the culture of Europe, Africa, Asia, and South America more than it does our own.

That is not to say nobody is interested. There are people interested in soccer, the WNBA, team tennis, and bowling. And in the same vein, there are some people interested in actually buying tickets to attend soccer games.

Most coaches in America realize that soccer is a good cross training sport for people who want to get better at a sport that actually matters to a bunch of people in our country. Soccer helps footwork. Like good handwork, footwork is important to virtually all sports played in America. So, we have our kids play soccer.

So what is the matter with soccer? Why does the rest of the world love it while Americans yawn? How much time do you have? Strike the question. Here are four reasons why soccer has caught on about as much as it can.

1) How about zero-zero ties. Zero-zero ties are like non-orgasm sex. What else do you need to know?

Since I don't watch soccer I have to ask this......what do onsite TV reporters say after a zero-zero game? Maybe their report goes something like this, "I was here all afternoon covering this battle and the bottom line is nothing happened. That's it from the stadium, back to you guys in the studio."

2) One of the most fascinating aspects of sports are they are all about hand-eye coordination right? Nope, not soccer. Here's a little anatomical factoid. Human beings have opposable thumbs (this is a uniquely human trait). As such, our most gifted athletes can do amazing things with their hands. Ooops. You can't use your hands in soccer.....except for the goalkeeper. Apparently they let the goalie use his or her hands so he or she can increase the number of zero-zero games. Got it? No orgasms!

3) Diving is an Olympic sport. It is also an incredibly important skill for soccer players to have. In the game of soccer, players feign injuries more often than limousine-riding Democrats feign concern about income inequality. The reason? You can get the governing officials to award you a penalty shot if you are an outstanding faker. You see, it is so hard to score a goal, any goal, that penalty shots are similar to obtaining lucrative non-compete government contracts or minority set asides when you are in business. It is the easiest way to score!

4) Soccer is the only sport where a 1-0 game is a nail-biter and a 2-0 game is a blowout.

Lately the U.S. media has once again been pumping up the idea that soccer is finally arriving in the U.S. Hmmm. I remember when I was a kid. We heard the same crap more than forty years ago. The North American Soccer League was started up in the late 1960's after the World Cup drew some U.S. TV viewers in 1966. That league went bankrupt and folded thirty years ago. They did however, have the best narrow viewer demographic ever. They captured 97% of the insomniac market.

Are Americans finally truly embracing soccer? Consider the Mexico vs. U.S.A. soccer game held in Pasadena a few years ago. Boy oh boy the stadium was packed........with Mexicans who were here illegally. It was supposed to be an American home game. However, literally tens of thousands of Mexicans living in the U.S. booed the American team mercilessly. Some even spit on the American players and others roughed up dozens of fans at the stadium. Why were American fans roughed up? They had the audacity to dress in red, white, and blue in Pasadena, California. Dummies, didn't they realize who the home team was?

Are the U.S. television ratings up for soccer? Sure they are. How couldn't they be? With a total lack of border enforcement for thirty-five years the number of soccer fans who have arrived illegally from places that actually don't mind, zero-zero ties, banning the use of hands in a sport, and encouraging faking and diving has skyrocketed.

Will this influx of soccer fans help the American soccer team? Sure it will help them. It will help them get booed more frequently at home games and also get spit on more frequently at home.

On the other hand, China should have some cause for concern. Their domination of Olympic diving could fall prey to Americans if the diving culture that comes with soccer finally takes hold. Some of the Americans who learn to do half-gainers in the pike position while getting bumped into while playing soccer, may well hit the deep end of the pool after they get eliminated by teams full of undocumented kids who finally got out of holding facilities administered by the poorly named "Border Patrol."